


Homophobia

by harleyisnotontoast



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, DAN SWEARS TOO, High School AU, M/M, Phil swears, Popular Dan, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, YO AFTER CHAPTER 3 ITS ALL IN PHILS POV !!!, loser phil, not death, there will probs be smut sometime in here, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-07-14 19:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7186703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harleyisnotontoast/pseuds/harleyisnotontoast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Lester is a junior in high school and it just so happens he's gay and living in a completely homophobic town.<br/>Phil made one mistake in life and it changed everything for good.<br/>He told his best friend that he wasn't straight, and then his best friend turned into his enemy.<br/>His best friend turned into the person that insists on making Phil's life a living hell, and eventually it's destined to become too much to handle.<br/>Phil's only human, how much emotional trauma can he really handle?</p><p>**UPDATES WEDNESDAYS**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> woo first story! They're will probably be relatively short chapters and I'll most likely update once or twice a week and try to keep that true.. lmfao im bad with writing and promises sorry in advance.

Phil woke up from his slumber with a frown on his face. His mind wandered and he remembered what day it was. It was September 1st. The first day back at high school. Phil was a junior in high school and he dreaded school more than anything in the world. He laid in bed loathing for a least another twenty minutes before he turned to look a the clock. It read,

_6:55 A.M._

He needed to catch a bus in ten minutes and get to school. He sighed deeply and dragged himself out of bed. He quickly grabbed a pair of black skinny jeans, a My Chemical Romance t-shirt and his Nintendo vans to go with it. He quickly ran into the bathroom to brush his teeth but then he looked at his hair and noticed that he has his natural hair right now. _Shit_. He thought to himself. He hated his natural hair. He didn't want anyone to see his hair in its natural form but it seemed that he didn't have any time to plug in his straightener and figure his mess out. He couldn't help but just quietly stare at himself for a few minutes and that's when he heard his mother yell,

"Phil darling, the bus is outside!" _Shit_! Phil thought yet again and quickly grabbed his school things, said a quick good-bye to his mother and father and then ran to get on the bus. The closer he got to the bus the more he wanted to just run away and turn back to go into the house. He didn't want to face anyone today. He wanted this to be a good year, but by the first step on the bus he knew it wasn't going to be. He turned his head to quickly try to find a seat in the back of the school bus when he was pulled into someone else's seat.

"Hey nerd!" Tyler yelled. Phil just sighed. Tyler. Phil slowly just turned to face him.

"What do you want?" Phil spat. Tyler just chuckled.

"Don't talk to me like that you little bitch." Tyler said very sternly. Phil on the other hand didn't care about what Tyler had to say therefore he proceeded to get out of Tyler's seat and move to the back of the bus where he belonged. "Run, then you bitch." Tyler said and he saw Phil get up. Phil just sighed and took his intended spot and stayed put until the bus arrived at school.

The minute the bus arrived at the high school Phil yet again was reluctant to get off. He knew that it was bad enough that he had to deal with Tyler every morning on the bus, but the real pain is when he gets off the bus. He sees the school approaching and as soon as the bus stops, he watches as everyone else gets off the bus eager to step on the school campus. The only feeling Phil feels right now is absolute dread. He knows that he can't hide on the bus forever, and the bus driver watches as he is the last on to get off. The bus driver flashed Phil a soft smile and said a good day to him and then he stepped off the bus. He slowly walked up to the school building and dreaded the day ahead. The minute he walked into the school he heard someone shout his name, and he slowly lifted his head up to see the one and only Troye Sivan. Tyler's partner in crime. They were best friends and that is all that he knows about them. Phil has been getting bullied by these two since the seventh grade. Phil just glanced at Troye once, made eye contact and then Phil couldn't help but look back down at his feet. This movement made Troye quite upset.

"Look at me bitch!" Troye shouted into Phil's face. Phil just looked up at him and spat at him.

"I'm looking, you happy?" Troye was taken back by the reply. This was Phil's senior year, and he wasn't taking anyone's bullshit on the first day. Troye just laughed and then Tyler showed up. "What do you dickheads want?" Phil asked sharply. Tyler grabbed Phil by the wrist and made sure that he could see him clearly.

"It's time for you to learn a lesson." Tyler said a little to close to Phil's face. Phil could feel Tyler's warm breath on his face and he couldn't help but turn his face away and cringe. Disgusting. He looked up to make eye contact with Tyler when his face collided with a fist and then Tyler let him go. "Next time watch your attitude, bitch." Tyler and Troye walked away laughing and left Phil where he laid on the cold hallway floor. Phil picked himself up off of the ground and then felt liquid dripping down his face. _Fuck_. He has a bloody nose. He sighed and slouched as he walked into the boy's bathroom to try to clean himself up but that's when he was faced with his ex-best friend and his new bully.

_Dan Howell_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!  
> new chapter aye   
> thanks for the kudos!!

Phil just stands in the bathroom dumbfounded. He doesn't dare step any closer to Dan as he sees the evil smirk come upon his lips. He slowly starts to back out of the bathroom but that's when Dan made his move. Dan gripped Phil's t-shirt in his fist and came so he was only a mere six inches from Phil's face. Phil flinched and looked away from Dan as an act of disgust. Being so close to a man who makes his life a living hell felt like death to him, and feeling Dan's breath on his face was not helping. Dan just laughed under his breath and he saw as Phil looked away. Dan forcefully grabbed Phil by the chin, making him look him in the eyes.

"You can't hide from me Lester. No matter how much you look away, run away, or hide. I'm everywhere, and one day you'll fucking understand that you can't run away from your problems. Running feeds the issues. The more you run, the more I hunger for your emotional and physical pain. Maybe one day, you'll learn." Dan says closely to Phil's face, and yet again Phil looks away not wanting to make any sort of eye contact with Dan, but Dan isn't having it.

"Look me in the eyes. Say something!" Dan whisper shouts. Phil turns his face and just frowns. Dan is the one person in the world that Phil can't stand to yell at. He wants to yell. He wants to let his mind explode and give Dan a taste of his own medicine...but he can't. He can't bring himself to say it. It's like the words are in his mind but they won't come out of his mouth. Dan just chuckles to himself as Phil stands speechless. Then finally he says something.

"Sorry.." Dan just looks at him confused but doesn't respond. All he does is push Phil into the bathroom wall and gives him a warning to watch his back because his friends and himself are always watching. Phil watches Dan as he walks away and exits the bathroom and he can't help but frown even bigger. Dan and Phil used to be such good friends in their freshman and sophomore years but then Dan got popular and left Phil behind to enthuse about Muse and Mario Kart by himself.

Phil feels the tears rise in his eyes and he can't help but let out a little sob. That is until a little sob turns into full on sobbing and Phil is left alone in the bathroom wiping his face with his t-shirt when he forgot the whole reason he came into the bathroom. He has a bloody nose and it's still bleeding. He quiets his sobs, and figures that he should get up off of the bathroom floor before someone walks in and sees him. He walks up to the sinks and looks in the mirror. He's a damn mess. His hair is out of sorts, his eyes are blood shot, his nose is bleeding, there is blood dripping down his face, his face is tear soaked. He refuses to let anyone see him this way, I mean it's not like he has many friends but still everyone seems to enjoy starring when they get the chance, because he's the school freak. Oh, not to mention that he is also openly out.

The thought of Phil being out wasn't anything he liked to think about. Before he was out he had loads of friends and people that enjoyed his company and loved being around him. Then someone outted him. Someone that Phil trusted with his entire life outted him. Phil has flashbacks to this moment all the time and it breaks his heart. The moment Phil got outted was a traumatizing experience and he couldn't help but look up at himself in the mirror and wince at the painful memories.

He remembers the exact moment he told someone. He told his best friend at the time, and since then he hasn't had a best friend. The moment he told his best friend he was gay, was the moment he learned that his best friend was a homophobe. Phil felt his world crashing around him and his walls falling in as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror. It didn't even matter to him in that moment that he was in a public school where anyone could come in and make fun of him right now. He was heart broken and letting it all out. He turned his head towards the exit of the bathroom wanted to leave it with a passion but then he broke down. Phil tried to take one step towards the exit and his tears began flowing heavier and the weight on his shoulders felt as though they weighed a thousand pounds. He quickly turned back to the bathroom and locked himself in a stall.

As he sat himself in the stall and locked it behind him he winced. He winced at the tears falling from his blue orbs and he winced from the pain that was felt all over his body right now. As Phil sat in the bathroom stall crying his eyes out he looked at his wrists. He couldn't help but pull up his sleeves and look at his wounds and scars and feel even more worthless then he already did. He cried and cried and couldn't cry silently anymore. He couldn't hear people in the halls which tells him that class is in session therefore he took the opportunity to talk to himself.

_You just had to tell him two years ago didn't you? You worthless bugger. No one will ever love you. You're trash and you belong in hell._

He cringes as he says that out loud to himself. He looks down at his wrists and grips it ever so tightly in order to cause himself more pain. Now the sobs that were escaping his lips weren't just heart break sobs, they were painful sobs too. He cried and cried and didn't even hear when someone else stumbled into the bathroom. Phil didn't care enough to try to look or figure out who it was he barely even noticed them in the first place.

The mysterious figure standing in the bathroom just winced at Phil's crying. It broke his heart too, except he can't take back what he's done. This mysterious man can't make up for it. He just frowns and leaves the bathroom before a single tear washes down his face. The man leaves the bathroom and stands outside, puts his head down as he still hears Phil's blood curdling sobs, and just whispers to himself.

_"I'm sorry Phil. I'm so fucking sorry."_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy summer Monday! Here's an update. Kinda whipped it up at 1 am so give me a break if it's a bit..eh. you know?

Phil sobbed to himself and he didn't even try to be silent now. He was loud and his sobs were blood curdling. He wanted to stop but how can he stop when his heart is broken?

"Hello? Mr Lester is that you? Are you OK?" Phil froze. "Mr Lester, someone has reported loud noises coming from this bathroom, are you alright?" Phil couldn't respond. He stopped crying at least. "Mr Lester if you can't respond we're going to have to come in and remove you from the bathroom." Phil sniffled and finally got up.

"N-no. It's a-alright. I'm f-fine. Tha-anks tho-ugh." Phil managed to press out, stuttering through the whole thing hoping with all of his heart that the staff member would not waltz into the bathroom.

"Well I'm glad to hear you're OK, but we have to come escort you to class." _Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck!_ Okay okay don't panic Phil. It's alright you got this.

"Uh o-okay. give me a minute p-please. I'll be r-right ou-out." Phil said and quickly walked towards the mirror. He stared at his appearance and cringed deeply. He let one more lone tear slip from his orbs and then looked at himself again. He needed to get ahold of himself. He could hear the staff member tapping his foot on the tile floors and he needed to hurry.

He had dried blood all over his face. He was tear soaked. His eyes blood shot and puffy. His hair was all over the place. He had blood on his shirt and the staff member would definitely think low of him, but he doesn't really have time to think of how to cover to blood so he figures it doesn't matter much right now. He slowly grabs the paper towels and wets it. He dabs the towel over his face to clean himself up a little bit and he watched and the blood on his face becomes hydrated again and starts running down his face with the water. He chuckles at himself, then realizes that there is someone waiting for him. He quickly fixes his fringe and looks at himself one more time. He hates his appearance and everything about himself but there isn't enough time in the world to fix everything wrong with him. He doesn't have a long enough life to fix it all.

"Mr Lester we have to get you to third period, lets move it!" The staff member shouts at Phil. Phil simply just sighs and walks out of the bathroom to find the staff looking at him with alarmed eyes. "Are you sure you're alright?" Phil decides that it's best for his vocals to not respond verbally so he just nods as he gets walked to his next class by this staff member.

\---SKIPS TO LUNCH---

As Phil hears the bell ring for lunch he sighs. He dreads going to lunch. I mean yes he gets to eat and have some alone time but he knows that at any moment in time someone could come and attack him. Say something dehumanizing to his face. He has gone through more hell today than he has in months. He doesn't want to leave the safety of the classroom he sits in right now but he can't hide forever. He slowly gets up and goes to the door but then he gets pulled back into the room.

"Hey, are you alright?" Phil looks shocked. His old friend Louise is gripping his wrist, she looks truly worried about him aswell. Phil just sighs and wiggles his wrist out of her touch.

"I'm fine, what's it to y-you anymore?" He asks, and he can physically see her jerk back. He hurt her feelings but he feels no guilt for it. She's a homophobe just like everyone else in this rotten school and one day everyone is going to regret being so damn harsh towards him. Louise raises her arm and pulls Phil into the hallway and out of the teachers eye sight. Louise is clearly very angered at Phil's response but Phil could care less.

"How dare you speak to me in that fucking tone." Louise whispers at Phil and he just shrugs and looks away from her. Louise is beyond upset and the turning away doesn't help so Louise does the unthinkable. She punches Phil, straight in the jaw. Louise laughs as she watches Phil's body fall to the floor from the impact of the hit. "Maybe a little force will fix your sexuality fag."

Phil cringes on the floor as he hears the name fag. He hates the word with a passion and in fact it angers him. He picks himself up off the floor. Of course he can hit Louise, but he can't say things to her.

"Listen up you bitch. I've had enough of this bullshit from the entire school. You're all homophobes, all terrible people that deserve to rot in hell. You have no fucking reason to be treating me like I'm not a human being. I breathe, I eat, I sleep, I love just like you do! So fuck you Louise, fuck you!" Phil takes a deep breath in as he starts to see a crowd of people file in around him and Louise. Louise is shocked nonetheless that Phil is actually standing up for himself. Phil doesn't care though. He is done being everyone little bitch. If he can't hit her, he at least wants the whole school to know that Phil isn't someone's little bitch.  

"All the shit you've done for me in the past means nothing to me know so how about you try to not comfort me for one second and just go fuck yourself you heartless bitch!" Louise stands back dumfounded. She looks at Phil silently for a solid thirty seconds and Phil just listens to the whispers going around the hall. He turns himself a round and looks at the crowd that's has surrounded themselves.

Tyler, Troye, Connor, Cat, Zoe, Alfie, Marcus, Hannah, Grace, Mamrie, Kingsley, Sierra, Chris, Peej, and then he focuses his eyes on one person he particularly didn't want to see anymore today.

_Dan_

He just breathes in deeply once more, turns to Louise and says one final thing.

"Stay the fuck away from me." Then after he says that he walks towards Dan, but not to say anything. He pushes his way between the crowd. He pushes his hand against Dan causing him to stumble backwards and fall to the floor. Dan just looks at Phil walking away. He can't believe what he just witnesses.

In this moment though, Phil was powerful and he had one thought running through his head.

_I fucking hate dan howell._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 thanks for reading! :)  
> \-- I FEEL SO BAD FOR MAKING LOUISE A BAD CHARATOR UGH


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The point in the story where the narration stops, and everything is in Phil's point of view!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case you didn't feel like reading the summary  
> THE STORY FROM NOW ON IS IN PHIL'S POINT OF VIEW :)

I just keep walking, I didn't know where exactly I was planning on going but one thing was for sure. I can't stay in this school for another four hours until school let out. I have to go somewhere. Somewhere no one can truly bother me. My safe place.

I turn my head one more time to take a look at the crowd that still stand in the hallway in awe and I catch one set of eyes for the third time today. Dan's. I wish he would stop looking at me with the fire in his eyes that could burn down an entire forest. He looks at me with such anger and such fury that I can't stand to make eye contact with him anymore. I used to be his friend, we used to be cool, but then shit happened and the world crumbled around me. As I have my eyes locked with Dan's in what must not have been more than five seconds, I managed to run right into the principle. Mrs Glockos.

_Shit_

"Where are you off to Philip?" She asked me politely but I cringed when she said my full first name. I just slowly looked up at her and blinked.

"No where in particular, now if you'd excuse me please, madam." I tried to say that as nicely as I could but with the fiery tone of my voice I understand why she didn't take it very well.

"Oh really? How about we take a visit to my office and call your parental figures, yes?" She said, trying to sound threatening but in all honesty. I wasn't too afraid but I still didn't need my parents finding out about how I cussed someone out. Especially a girl nonetheless.

"No no, Mrs Glockos! That isn't necessary!" I pleaded and pleaded and she just gave me side eyes. She glanced at the crowd behind me, and raised her brows.

"You're coming with me." She said as she pulled me towards the crowd. I felt my pulse rate going up rapidly, my heart was beating out of my chest, and my eyes were starting to unfocus. My eyesight was bad as it is! The closer we got to the crowd, the harder my breathing got. She stopped in front of the crowd and turned to me and gestured for me to remain where I was as she shouted at them.

"What is going on here?" She asked, not sound rude at all. Her eyes hovered over everyone trying to find someone who could be the most subject and by my guesses she couldn't see Dan sitting on the floor in the crowd, because if she spotted him, he would've been toast.

"Ask Phil!" A voice said. The voice I knew oh so well. Tyler's.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!_

"Well who is the prime suspect besides Phil, I need to sides of a story here!" Mrs Glockos proclaimed and everyone's eyes roamed the crowd as Tyler's eyes landed on Dan. Then Connor was actually the first person to suggest.

"Dan Howell, ma'am." Connor said proudly and grinned at me devilishly. I just quickly shot the finger and him. He mouthed the words 'fuck you faggot.' to me and that didn't come as a surprise. Mrs Glockos eyes scanned the area for Dan. Unable to find him visibly she just waited impatiently, clicking her heels on the floor. Phil cringed and he heard a whispered conversation in the crowd.

_"What the fuck Con? Why would you do that to me, I am not a suspect!"_

_"Go deal with the fag the way he should be dealt with Dan."_

_"Fuck you Connor. I am not getting up."_

_"Fucking getting up you idiot, she isn't going to wait forever."_

_"I hate Phil, I am NOT going into a tight principle office with him."_

_"That sucks, now go teach him a lesson."_

 Connor just smiled at Mrs Glockos as he returned from his every so silent whispering conversation.

"Well?!" She shouted, she was a very impatient lady. Connor rolled his eyes and laughed lightly before give Dan a little wink.

"He's right her ma'am." I felt my whole body starting to shake. It's been years since I've been in a room with him were it wasn't a dangerous situation to start out with. I could hear Dan's famous long sigh and then I saw his body raise up out of the crowd. That's the moment I started to plan. The head mistress has heels on, Dan can't run for the life of him, but fuck it. I can. As soon as I saw Dan take one step towards me I turned around and bolted down the hallway.

"Phil Lester get back here!" I heard the principle run but there was no way in hell I was stopping. I couldn't stop now if I could go back I would and face my consequences but not today, Not with Dan Howell. Never with Dan Howell.

I could hear the heels clicking after me, but that was it. Only heels. No other foot steps followed behind me and honestly I was over joyed that I couldn't hear anyone else trying to catch up. The moment I bursted my way out of the front school doors and kept running was the moment I felt absolutely free.

I kept running and running until I met my safe place. I couldn't hear the clicks of the heels anymore so she's stopped and I was free. For now at least. My safe place landed about four to five blocks away from the school and if they happened to find me that would fucking suck honestly. I can't keep running if they found me though, I'd have to let them take me.

I approached my safe place a smiled. The towns park. The beautiful scenery of the park. The trees, the flowers growing in the grass, the kids flying kites in the sun, the sound of the swing sets squeaking were all such aesthetic sounds and views. I loved this park more than I loved myself. I guess you can say I love anything more than I love myself.. ha.

I push my thoughts of hatred towards myself away and step up to the treehouse that lived in the park. This way my safe place. The place I come to so I can think, calm down, relax, let go a little bit you know? Let off a little bit of steam. I climb the ladder up to the treehouse and just sit and look out of the window for a minute and for a minute I can see someone I recognize.

 _Shit. Shit!_  

It was a teacher. I don't know what teacher or why she didn't think to stop in the park but god am I overwhelmingly glad that she didn't. I watched slowly as she walked right past the park.

_Phew thank god!_

I relaxed into the treehouse once more as I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I look at the notification and it came from an unknown number.

_TEXT RECIEVED FROM 455-342-9002_

_Where did you go?_

I look down at my phone puzzled. Who has my number and how did they get it? I mean, I only have one friend that has my number and they promised me they wouldn't give it out or use it against me.

_TEXT SENT TO 455-342-9002_

_Evan is that you?_

I sent the message reluctantly and received another response almost instantly.

_TEXT RECEIVED FROM 455-342-9002_

_Yeah, where you at?_

I sighed in relief. It's only Evan. That gave me quite the fright. I quickly saved his number into my phone and sent a new text.

_TEXT SENT TO EVAN_

_I'm in the park._

Less than five seconds later I got another reply. I was starting to get concerned but I trust Evan.

_TEXT FROM EVAN_

_I'll be there in five._

I sighed and didn't really want him to show up in particular but I enjoyed my peace and quiet time before he would arrive. I look out the window and daydream of what my life could've turned out to be if I didn't have to say everything about myself to someone. Maybe then I'd still have a best friend. I couldn't help but grip my wrists tightly and think of all the mistakes I've caused myself.

As I was deep in thought I couldn't help but let a single tear shed. These moments were broken when I heard a voice call for me.

"Philip Lester!"

_F U C K_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ALSO FEEL BAD FOR MAKE CONNOR A BAD CHARATOR  
> ESPECIALLY SINCE HE'S GAY AND TYLER IS ALSO GAY AND I MADE THEM BOTH HOMOPHOBES UGH


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW; Anxiety attack!

In one panicked motion I stood up feeling almost dizzy from the affect. I scan the area from the where I was and slowly cringe and I see my mother walking around the park with my principle.

_Shit_. What am I supposed to do now that they have my mother there? I can't just ignore her and pretend she isn't there. Fuck. I sit back down as quickly as possibly hoping that for the time being they haven't noticed me. I can hear the footsteps coming closer and closer and I fear for what happens next but to my surprise the footsteps fade and I hear the sound of heels clicking on the sidewalk away from the park.

_Phew, that was close._

I know that I can't stay in this park anymore, I have to find somewhere else to go, somewhere else to run too. I quickly escape from the tree I am in and run into the nearby bushes on the side of the park and quickly look to see that the principle and my mother are walking back towards the high school. I flinch as I hear some rustling coming from a bush a few feet away from me. I want to make a move and run but knowing that my mother has super sonic hearing and they aren't too far sounds like a bad idea to my ears. Then I felt something or someone touch me and I screamed. I screamed so loud and then I was pushed into the bushes. I was being shushed and hidden in the bushes and I couldn't help but thrash my legs until I noticed who it was. It was Evan.

"God fucking dammit Evan why couldn't you have just said something instead of pulling me down? Christ." I whisper in an anger tone at him and I have to let deep breaths out because my heart rate is over the moon because of this little stunt Evan decided to pull. Evan just giggled under his breath.

"Sorry bro, didn't want to alarm anyone..." Evan then looked up, sighed and then instantly put his head back down. "I didn't want to alarm anyone, but you did..." Evan just tapped on my shoulder and gestured his eyes towards the female figures I could feel standing behind me. Their gazes digging deep into my back as though I was shot and they were looking down the bullet hole. I sighed. "Sorry bro. I'll text you later!" Evan says running into the forest behind the park and I am left to fend for myself.

"Philip Michael Lester, you have a lot of explaining to do." His mother exclaims but I can't help but have my mouth make a little smirk. Mrs Glockos just looked at me with a stern expression but not a single word fell from her lips. She just starred at me like she could see me dying right there, she could see my insides imploding. My mother grabbed my by the arm and pulled me up out of the bushes and just shook her head at me and started to pull me up towards the school. As if today hasn't already been bad enough, it's going to get worse as soon as people see me, a senior in high school walking in the front doors being dragged by the wrist by their mother.

**~~AT SCHOOL~~**

I cringed as we got closer and closer to the school and I could see a group of dickheads sitting on the stairs and my mother just didn't care. She roared right through those boys and just continued dragging me close behind her as we walked into the building. I could hear the laughter from behind me of the boys that my mother just walked through and I knew this one was never going to be let go of. No one would ever forget this moment and I knew from that point on life wasn't going to be any easier.

I sighed internally as I saw us getting closer to where my locker is, because that is also the area where Tyler, Troye, Connor, Dan, and their little group of people enjoying hanging out and as we walked by them I heard Connor laugh and then Troye came up by me.

"Aw Phil is this your mother? Can't handle the pressure so you need your mommy to come show you around?" Troye said with a smirk laid across his face and I could do anything but look at him. I just gave him a look of aggression and kept getting pulled away closer to the principles office but then my mother stopped. She just stopped and looked at me. Troye stopped along with us just giving my mother a kind and friendly look but she wasn't having it.

"I'm sorry, but who are you?" She said with a hiss. Troye looked dumbfounded. He couldn't bring himself to say anything. I just stood in the background and watched it unfold. I knew my mother couldn't do anything physical because firstly, it's illegal and secondly, Troye's only a kid compared to her.

"Uh Sorry ma'am. I'm Troye Sivan. I didn't mean any harm." Troye said as sweetly as he could but my mother was still no having any of Troye's bullshit.

"You ever feel the need to say one thing to my son in a rude manner again, and we are going to have a problem. Do you understand me young man?" Troye stood back in awe. He didn't expect that to come out of my mom's mouth. I just giggled a little in the background and then my mom said something to me. "And you, you are in big trouble mister, get over here!" She said as she reached out for my wrist and Troye just backed away quietly whispering 'I understand' to my mom. I won that one, but only because my mom was there, otherwise shit, I would've been toast.

We reached the principle's office and Mrs Glockos had me and my mother sit next to each other and I could see fire in my mom's eyes. She was outraged because I had left. I left without a word and no explanation, but did I really need one? I could see the principle reaching over for her phone, curiously I just looked over to see who she was calling.

_DIALING CLASSROOM 234 MS ADAMS -- PHOTOGRAPHY_

I knew exactly why she was calling that room and it made my breathing and heart rate speed up in an instant.

_No this can't be happening. No not now. Not here. No nO NO!_

I started to sweat as I heard her say, "Hi can you have Dan Howell come down to the principle's office immediately? Thank you." I can't do this. I can't breathe. I can't look at anyone in this room right now and I can't focus on anything. My heart rate became impossible to keep count off anymore. It was faster than a beating drum and the blood rushing through my veins was faster than a rollercoaster. I started to hyperventilate. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

My breathing starts to become so ragged and stuttered that it's barely like breathing anymore. I can't breathe. I literally feel my throat starting to close. I start to tap my fingers on my thigh and then I heard the door open and Dan stood in the doorway and that's went my eyes started seeing little black dots. I couldn't breathe and no one noticed yet.

"Good afternoon Dan, take a sit next to Phil please." Mrs Glockos said, but I managed to say something.

"N-no. He c-can't sit by m-me." I sound so weak and pathetic but I can't help it right now. Dan just looked at me and sat down anyways and then my heart rate shot out of the sky and my eyes went completely fuzzy. I got to the point of where I couldn't hear the conversations happening around me and I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't think, fuck, I couldn't even talk.

"Phil, hun are you alright?" I heard my mother's voice say, and I couldn't seem weak right now so I simply nodded yes to her and she continued talking and I allowed my heart rate to go down a bit. My vision was clearing up and I was starting to ear and understand things clearly.

"Phil, care to tell us your side of the story?" Mrs Glockos asked, and I just looked her straight in the eyes.

"Do I have a choice?" I asked, and she simply nodded no. I sighed louder than I have ever sighed before and just looked at her again. "Well it started after class on my way to lunch. I was just trying to leave class and make my way down to the cafeteria when I was pulled by Louise, and she asked me if I was okay and I said it shouldn't matter to her and she didn't take it too lightly and we argued from there on." I explained everything is perfect vivid detail and I could feel Dan's eyes bleeding into my back. He was watching my talk and he was watching my gestures. I shivered.

"Ok, but what does any of that have to do with Mr Howell over here?" She asked me but before I could respond Dan responded himself.

"Nothing. Literally nothing at all. I just witnessed it. Now if you don't mind I'd like to leave." Dan said trying as smoothly as he could to get himself out of the situation we were both currently in.

"Oh no, Dan. We aren't finished here. Sit back down we have much to discuss now that we have you and Phil in a room together." Dan sighed and sat back down.

"What are you t-talking about Miss?" I asked. She only grabbed papers out of her stack and looked Dan dead in the eyes. I shivered once more and I felt like I was going to vomit. I had no idea what was written on those papers and I wanted her to ask for my consent before she even said a thing about them.

"Dan we have picture proof that you have been bullying Phil, for a very long time. Months to our belief and it's security camera footage and pictures of you kicking him, verbally abusing him, and harassing him. This is a very serious issue Dan." Mrs Glockos explained to everyone in the room and my mother just looked confused. She still thought that me and Dan were real good best friends because I never told her what really happened between the two of us, because I felt that she didn't need to know everything that went down in my life, but I felt like she is going to know now.

"No. T-that can't be right. I wouldn't harm Phil." Dan says and tries to plead with the principle but to no avail. He loses. "I wouldn't pick on Phil!" He shouts and I can't take it anymore. I sit up straight in my chair and look him dead in the eyes.

_"Bullshit you motherfucking liar."_

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: SELF HARM, hurtful homophobic slurs, and non-consensual kissing.  
> (( ~~at home~~ is when the self harm takes place.))

I was looking Dan dead in the eyes and He knew he wasn't fooling anyone. Especially me. I was sick of the lies and him getting away with every single thing he did. There was fire burning in my eyes and the rage I was feeling right now was unbelievable. I felt a pull on my arm.

"Philip! Watch your language. I did not raise you that way!" I heard my mother say to my in a stern voice but I couldn't bring myself to care right now. It's been years since Dan and I have had a single conversation and I wasn't letting this go. I've had enough. Dan just put a smirk on his face and turned away from me and that's when I snapped. I grabbed Dan's wrist and he looked back at me with surprise and tried to wiggle out of my grip but it wasn't happening.

"Let go of him Phil." My mother said to me and I couldn't bring myself to let go. I simply tightened my grip on him. I looked him dead in the eyes and just made my eyebrows go into a flat line. Mrs Glockos sat in her desk and watched this all go down while my mother tried to stop it, but there was not a way in hell this was ending this way. Dan is not getting away with lying, ever again.

"Let go of me Phil!" Dan pleaded but I only tightened my grip more. I could feel Dan's veins in his wrist and I could feel him shaking but I didn't care. I haven't cared for years and this is a moment where sympathy doesn't exist.

"You are the biggest liar I have ever met! You have never told the truth! Ever in your entire fucking life. You harass me constantly, your friends harass me, you physically attack me all the time! You can't get away with everything, you aren't as fucking sly as you think. All you do is lie..." I said firstly sounding angry but then towards the end my voice softened. "You've always lied to me. Friends forever you said. You promised. Well look at us now. Not a single conversation in years." I said, and I could feel the tears springing in my eyes but I couldn't cry here. Not here, not now. Never in front of Dan. The best I could do right now, is let go of Dan and look away. I sniffled once before letting go, hopefully he would catch my drift of how I was feeling right now. I only heard a sigh in response.

"Phil-" My mother started but then I cracked. I couldn't stand being in this room anymore and I couldn't look at Dan anymore. I bolted up out of my chair that was between my mother and Dan, then I left the room. I heard my mother shouting at me more but I couldn't go back in there. I couldn't. I heard Mrs Glockos say that it was okay that I left because she could tell that I wasn't in a good place. I just prayed that she wouldn't let Dan leave as well.

I sprinted through the halls not daring to leave the building again. I can't leave again. I'd be in even more trouble then I was originally in. I figured I'd better go to class. It was ninth period and I had English. English has always been my passion. The literature we read in class, the creative writing we do, and expanding our vocabulary. It's always been such a thrill for me. I get closer and closer to my locker and then I stop. Alfie and Zoe are standing near it and I can't bring myself to face them. They are standing near my locker, have a deep make out session. Disgusting. Why don't people understand that PDA is not attractive? I let that go to the side and figure it wouldn't be such a big deal if I showed up to class with nothing in hand. I knock on the classroom door and my English teacher opens it with a smile.

"Ah Phil! So glad you could join us today, but where are your things?" She asked me with a bright smile.

"Uh, sorry Ms Hark, I've had a rough day." I explained to her and she could tell I was distressed. She simply just smiled and let me into the classroom. I sighed and walked to my desk in the back of the classroom with not a single soul sitting around it. Evan wasn't here clearly, as he ran into the forest earlier, but at this moment in time I really wanted him here. I started to listen to Ms Hark's lecture getting really into what she was saying and how articulate she was and then I started thinking about what happened today. All the shit I went through. Getting into a fight with Louise, drawing in a crowd but by far the worst thing to happen today was sitting in that room with Dan. I can't believ-

Then the bell rang, pulling me out of my thoughts. The bell telling the school that school was out for the day. It was 3:21 P.M and I didn't really want to leave because I knew I had the opportunity to face someone I hated in the hallway. I reluctantly got out of my desk and walked towards the door with no emotion showing and quickly made my way to my locker but to my surprise, I was pushed into my locker before reaching it myself. I was pinned against the locker, with pains in my neck and my wrist held down by two separate hands. I looked up to see who was pinning me to the locker, It was Tyler.

"You got Howell suspended Phil. You little faggot, you really don't deserve life. Getting the most popular boy in school suspended isn't going to go well for you is it?" Tyler hissed at me, and I felt my insides collapsing. I felt my power from early today falling and crumbling as Tyler just continued to spit hurtful words at me. I tried shutting him out but it didn't work. "Stupid little fag-" He said and then he looked at me and laughed noticing the tears starting to fall from my eyes. "Are you crying? The little fag is crying!" Tyler said and gave the others command to let me go. As soon as they walked away laughing I broke down internally. I couldn't cry anymore than I was right now but fuck, this was painful. My wrists were definitely going to bruise from the contact of the others holding me down.

**~~AT HOME~~**

The walk home felt longer than it ever has before. I couldn't stop thinking about the things Tyler had said to me today. It made me start thinking as well.

_Maybe Tyler's right. Maybe everyone is right. The world would be so much better without the towns faggot here. Why am I even here?_

_Who could ever love me when I can't even love myself?_

_Maybe I should kill myself. Haha, maybe._

The thoughts were driving me insane. My mind going to dark places and the world was falling around me and I have never felt more alone right now. No one was home with me. Not a single soul was in this house and I felt there was something that I've been needing to do for awhile now. I needed to see the blood run from my wrists and see the river flow down my hand and into a drain. I need some sort of release, and this was it.

I ran up the stairs and into my brothers bathroom. I let the door lock behind me and I sighed. I looked around the room for a fresh shaver that Martyn uses for shaving his face. I took apart one of the shavers and removed the blade from the plastic and smiled at it and I felt it sitting in my hand. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed. I brought the blade up to my wrist and then thoughts returned.

_Cut deep. Deeper than you've ever cut before. Not enough to kill yourself, but do it. Cut deep Phil._

I couldn't help but listen to the thoughts. I took the blade to my skin and pushed it in farther than I have before and in an instant the blood started flowing. I kept cutting. 1 cut, 2 cut, 3 cut, 4. The blood was rushing and I couldn't help but feel a feeling of relaxation. I needed this. Release. Sweet, sweet release. I let the blood drip into the drain and flow down my hand. I started to feel dizzy. I needed to sleep. I had to quickly clean everything up and flush the blade. I can't keep the evidence lying around. I quickly dabbed my arm to clean up the drying blood and stopped the bleeding by wrapping my arm in gaze and putting my hoodie back on. I slowly walked into my bedroom, having a good hold on my wrist. I locked my bedroom door behind me and laid in bed, drifting to sleep.

I woke up at 7 A.M. I flinched as I tried to get up using my forearm as a booster. Big mistake. I start to tear up, the pain is unbearable. Holy fuck. I realize that I am going to be late to school if I remain in bed any longer so I just get quickly dressed in a Japan hoodie, black skinny jeans, converse, and earrings to go with it. I grab my book bag and quickly make my way down the stairs, say a quick goodbye to my family and head out to school with a frown on my face.

**\--AT SCHOOL--**

I just spend around five minutes standing a few feet away from the front doors of the building because I don't want to step inside. I quickly bust open the schools doors only to be met by Tyler again. He trips me. He kicks my ribcage and laughs as he walks away with his friends. Fuck. I slowly pull myself up off the floor and I start to feel the tears stinging in my eyes and then I let out a sob as I limp into the nearest bathroom.

I enter the bathroom and stand in front of the mirrors and lift up my hoodie. I can see the bruising starting on my side and I touch it ever so lightly just to give myself an idea of how bad the bruising could actually be, and holy fuck it hurts really bad. I flinch away from my own touch and let out a light sob. I look at myself in the mirror and let tears fall from my eyes. In that exact moment someone walked into the bathroom. It was Troye.

Shit shit shit. I look at him dead in the eyes and quickly pull my hoodie back down and grab my book bag, then attempt to get away from him but he pushed me back. I could see him looking at me and I've never seen this look from him before.

"Where you headed Philly?" Troye hissed at me and I cringed at the name. I just looked up at him.

"N-no where." I stuttered as he walked closer to me, making me slightly uncomfortable. In an instant before I could even think he had me pinned against the wall. I winced in pain and he grabbed my wrists and held them above my head. "Let g-go, you're h-hurting me!" I cried but he didn't stop, he continued to hold my arms up. I could see the blood starting to pour through the gaze and I just made eye contact with Troye's eyes again.

"You've been a bad boy haven't you Philly?" Troye said and I just looked at him with a lot of confusion. He had a smirk playing on his face and I hadn't expected what came next.

He kissed me.

He full on kissed me. The kiss was rough and messy. His lips found their way around my lips and he tried to bring his tongue into my mouth by I rejected it. He removed his lips and brought them to the space behind my ear and I couldn't help but let out a little moan. My soft spot. I'm guessing he took it as a sign to keep going because then he started to buck his crotch into my leg in a way of hunger and I knew was he was after. He wanted me. In one swift movement I kicked Troye in his groin and ran out of the bathroom but before I could fully escape Troye shouted, "This isn't the last time Philly! I promise you!"

I cringed and ran out of the school and to the side of the building and just broke down in tears. I was crying to hard, and then I heard another body approaching me and it was a voice I recognized to well.

"uh hey Phil, you alright?"

 


	7. Chapter 7

I let my body collapse against the side walls of the school building. My heart rate going faster than one can simply count too. My breathing hitched and ragged. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Fuck. I can't breathe. I start to try to take in deep breaths but after what just happened it's not that easy. 

I literally just got assaulted in a high school boys bathroom. Not just assaulted though, I was assaulted by someone who is believed to be a completely heterosexual. What the actual fuck is going on around here?

My breathing is ragged and out of control and it just gets worse as I hear someone starting to approach me. I hear the footsteps getting scarily closer and I fear it could be someone like a teacher or an adult that sees the poor little emo boy crying on the side of the building. 

Shit. I'm crying. I'm actually crying. I quickly wipe my eyes and sniffle as more tears flow out of my eyes involuntarily. The tears fall down my face without a single sound coming from my mouth as I'm trying to be as quiet as possible.  The tears fall and I watch as my sleeves become soaked in the salty tears. I see the feet coming towards me but I quickly try to scoot away from the person. Alas, I fail. I hear their voice speak up, and then my heart breaks even more.

"uh hey Phil, you alright?" I cringe. I can't fucking believe what is actually going on today. I hear the voice and just break down even more. I make noises that are unpleasant to any ears hearing them. I see the person kneel down next to me and start to shush me as if it's a way to calm me down. I cry harder and the tears flow faster as the person places a hand on my back and started tracing circles.

I start to hyperventilate. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. The tears keep flowing but the breathing stops completely as though that was my body telling me to calm down and take a look at whose in front of you. Even though I knew, I had to face the facts.

It was Dan. 

I couldn't dare look at him in the eyes. Yet at the same time, I couldn't let him go now. He traced circles on my back in a calming manor and it's actually working. He shushed me as though he actually still cared about me. I then made eye contact with him and he removed his hand, cleared his throat, and stood up. I cried hard.

"Uh maybe I should get going." Dan said, but I protested.

"don't you fucking leave me. not now. not again." I said, in a raspy hitched voice. I couldn't let go right now. I needed the touch, the feel. I needed something to be here for me. Dan looked at me right sorrow in his eyes and squatted back down by me to help me through my emotional trauma right now.  I melted into his touch as he started to trace circles on my back again.

"I heard what happened Phil."  Then I froze. I completely stopped crying, and hyperventilating all at once.

"W-what?" I stuttered. I didn't want anyone to know. I felt used. Disgusting. Ugly.

"Troye..in the bathroom. I know what happened." I stopped looking at him and I just cried. I cried harder and he pulled me into the crook of his neck. "It's okay Philly." Dan says and I cringe at the name as that is a nickname he gave to me when we were still close. Simply hearing those words escape his lips made me want to cry even harder but slowly no tears started to come out. I got to a point where I couldn't cry anymore. I just shifted closer into Dan's touch, missing it. I was broken out of my thoughts when Dan spoke up.

"I'm so sorry for everything that's happened recently Phil. The past, the present, whatever happens in the future. Just know that I sincerely apologize. I never wanted it to turn out this way. I never wanted to this to result in you breaking down, or you having panic attacks, and other types of issues." Dan says ever so kindly and just grabs my wrist as though he knew what I was going through. Out of instinct I flinch and scoot away from him.

"Fuck.." I say under my breath and that's when I knew that he knew. He grabbed my chin and made me look him in the eyes.

"Let me see." He says, and he sounds truly worried.

"I c-can't." I say stuttered, sounding absolutely pathetic. Dan isn't having any of it right now. Dan knew how I was feeling, he knew how to get information out of my mouth, so all he had to do was pull up my sleeves and reveal my multiple wounds. He grimaced and frowned at the sight of my arms. He looked me in the eyes and I saw a tear draw from his eyes.

"It's my fault isn't it? I caused you to do that to yourself." Dan said, almost crying. I frown.

"Yes." I simply say, and then Dan pulls me into a hug. I hug back instantly, missing this touch. Then he whispers into my ear.

"Phil, please stop for me. I know you hate me, and I know I've fucked up, but please. I don't want to find you in a hospital room because of this." I cry and only hold onto him harder. I don't know what else to do right now then cry my heart out. I tell Dan something I've been meaning to say to him for years.

"You know what Dan? The moment you left me a few years ago was the moment I noticed how much I needed you. I needed you so fucking much but you left. You left me alone to my own devices and this is the result. I have no one. I get bullied on the daily, assaulted constantly, all because you decide to out me, and then hate me. I loved you and you left me. You're a dick." I said to him, letting go of him as a result. I couldn't hold on any longer. I needed him to know how I felt. I needed the fire I was feeling to escape. I had to be honest.

Then he did something I never expected out of Dan Howell.

He grabbed my face in his hands and smashed our faces together in a sloppy kiss.

_Fireworks. Overwhelming wrong fireworks, but it felt so right. I needed this, yet I hated this. What do I really want?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its shorter! im updating rlly late at night and I wouldn't have been able to update at any other time!! sorry!! much love ^_^


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *has a schedule but doesn't stick to it.* SORRY

_Fireworks. Overwhelming, wrong fireworks, but it felt so right. I needed this, yet I hate this. What do I really want?_

Here we are, sitting on the side of the school kissing. Dan Howell's lips are on mine. The thing that I never thought would happen is that he kissed me. He made the first move. I smile into the kiss and realize that he is pulling away. The look on his face, tells me that nothing good can come from it.

"I'm sorry. I-I've got to go." Dan says getting up faster than my legs would allow me too, and then he sprinted away and into the school. My heart starts to hurt more than it did. For once I got something I needed, and it runs away. It runs away, making sure to take my heart with it.

As I watched Dan run into the building I curled my knees up into my chest and just cried. I cried harder than I ever have. He kissed me, then left me here alone. To my own devices. If anyone was to see me here it would be the most embarrassing thing ever. Just the little emo boy sitting outside crying alone. No one by his side to help him out. I cringe at the thoughts I was having and slowly stand up wiping my tears in the meantime.

_Should I go back into the building with tear stained cheeks? Should I run home? Do I want to go to school?_

I ask myself these questions and figure it would be for the best if I didn't run away from my problems. I can't miss anymore school anyways. I slowly make my way into the building, and I don't go unnoticed. I walked the halls hearing little whispers coming from every side. Front, back, left, right. The sounds of my name filled the halls. I just walked with my head hanging low. Then I felt my name being shouted from behind me.

"Hey loser!" Tyler shouted at me, "So, a little birdy told us that Dan beat you down good this morning huh? How's it feel to get the treatment you deserve for being a filthy little fag?" I grimaced at his words. His words always find a way to hurt me in the worst way. I hear Tyler laugh from behind me as he only got closer to me. I felt his breath on my neck and I knew he was dangerously close. "Fag, answer me." He whispered, sending shivers down my spine. He laughed louder as he saw my body tremble. Here I stand in the middle of the hallway, frozen with Tyler's warm breath on my neck.

"I guess?" I answered and tried to walk away from him. He just had one of his boys stand in front of me. I sighed and turned around to look at him. "Really Tyler? What do you need?" I saw his face soften, but not in a good way. It was like the look he gives someone when he thinks of petty little things that he could do or say as a comeback.

"I want to see you suffer." He said as he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and pushed me into the lockers behind us. I felt my breath get knocked out of me. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. "I will see you suffer, Lester. I will." He said as I felt his fist collide with my stomach. I flinched and felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I couldn't take it anymore. I collapsed under Tyler's touched and watched as his posy out dickheads surrounded me. The kicks came from every angle. A kick to my stomach, a kick to my ribs, a kick to my head. What more could there be? A kick to my thighs. More kicks in similar places.

The kicks never stop coming. They continue to come and come and I can feel myself draining away. I hear a voice in the distant, a familiar one that is.

"Hey what are you doing!" The voice shouts and comes closer but I only hear Tyler laugh, and slur out a few words of encouragement for the situation at hand. The situation at hand, would be me.

"Hey Dan! Nice of you to join us, time for fun. It's a game called Kick The Fag! Want to play?" I let a few tears fall out of my eyes as I heard Dan agree to play. I felt the kicks coming harder and faster. It felt as though there were eighty feet kicking me all at once. I felt my body starting to curl up into a ball and I wanted to do nothing more than go and cry by myself alone. I had no escape. No where to run to right now.

I felt someone pick me up by the wrist, shouting at me to get up. I couldn't though. My body was weaker and I couldn't stand up. I felt the amount of hands on me grow as they lifted my body up by force. The person I stand face to face to made my heart break. It was Dan. He slapped my face hard and kept ahold of me by the neck.

"Fag, you don't deserve anything you have." He said as he spat at me and I felt a fist collide with my gut once more before I started seeing stars. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I started to drift in and out of consciousness and I couldn't see anymore. I felt my body being dropped to the ground and then that's it. The hits stopped, the kicks stopped. I heard the foot steps going into the distance, and that's when everything else around me faded too.

I felt dead. Here I was, Phil Lester. The seventeen year old high school teen, lying on the ground feelings lifeless. Used. Broken. I felt dead.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS (In italics!)
> 
> I couldn't update on thurs/fri because I was at a friends, but here is a Saturday update! ^_^

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

Hell, at this moment, I couldn't even open my eyes. I felt dizzy, dead, used, broken, and alone. No one there for me. No one by my side to help anything anymore. As I lay on the cold, hard floor of the high school hallway I hear sirens in the distance coming closer and closer to the high school.

They're for me. I can hear the high school main doors bust open and emergency service men screaming at everyone to get out of the way and clear the area. I heard the gurney get popped down on the floor and the I felt my body start to get lifted. I shook with fear, and at this point it wasn't little shakes. I was full on shaking and you could see it. I heard the emergency service men having a conversation as they checked my pulse and other things while I laid on the gurney.

"Looks like he hasn't ate in awhile. He's trembling like a puppy, his blood pressure is low. Might have a few broken ribs. His pulse is healthy though, so that's good news." I heard them say as I felt the gurney getting rolled through the high school. I was falling out of consciousness. In those exact moments I heard someone shout, 

"Wait! Please!" I recognized the voice and frowned mentally as it seemed I had no control over my muscles or movement right now anyways. As I felt the gurney stop, I felt my thoughts stop. I was unconscious.

\--PAGE BREAK--

I woke up in a white room. No one else seemed to be in the room but when I sat up in the bed I gasped at the sudden pain I was feeling all over my body. I lifted the covers off of my body and noticed the white bandages that covered my entire torso, and parts of my legs. I set my hand gently on my torso and winced at the sudden touch but I couldn't bring myself to remove the warmth. It was pleasing, yet painful to endure. 

I ended up getting distracted quite quickly as I heard my mother's voice in the hallway outside of my hospital door. She sounded frustrated and angered yet I could tell there was worry and sadness in her voice. Her poor little boy was hurt. Too bad she didn't know that her poor little poor wasn't worth it. I should've died. I wish they would've killed me. I wish they would've beaten me hard enough that it would've taken the life right out of me. But they didn't.

I saw the hospital room door open and I just looked at the doctor that entered the room. Alone.

"Hello Mr Lester. We have to say that you've recovered quite well since you've came in a two days ago." Two days?

"What?" I said and the doctor just looked at me, sorrow on his face.

"You arrived two days ago. I just came in the room to give you a check up, it's nice to see that you are finally awake though of course. I wanted to talk to you about something actually. Quite serious." The doctor said, and I felt like he could see my body tense up.

"What?"

"There was a young man here the first day you got admitted into the system. He was about your height, he said he witnessed the bullying but he also said he personally really knows you really well and would like to visit you if it would be OK for you?" The doctor explained and I couldn't fathom the things he was saying to me. I knew he had to be talking about Dan, and I'm not ready to see Dan. I don't want to see Dan.

I'd rather die than see Dan.

"No. No I don't want to see anyone." I said with a stern tone of voice, the doctor simply nodded and felt as though he was done. He got up, and left the room leaving me to my own thoughts. Fuck.

_You know what Phil? You belong in this hospital bed, near death. You deserve this. If you can't even love yourself, who is going to love you? You're garbage. I can't believe the world has kept you around this long. Kill yourself already, it's been a long time coming hasn't it? Don't be afraid. Take the shotgun and shoot it as soon as you can. No one will miss you. Not a single soul with ever remember you. You're already a nobody. You're an emo faggot and that's all you'll ever be to this town and world. The world will never be good until you are off of it forever. Kill yourself. The sooner the better._

I started to shake. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. The tears started to flow down my face and the sobs became louder and louder and I heard the doorknob of my room turning. I couldn't bare to see who was walking in, but I didn't care. I don't care who it could possibly be. I'm shaking, crying, sobbing, fuck. I'm a mess. I felt someone's hand touch my shoulder and I nearly screamed at the contact.

"Please don't touch me." I said to the person, still not knowing who it is exactly. I kept shaking. I kept sobbing. The tears flowed faster and I kept thinking more thoughts. I could hear a body slump next to me in the chair next to my hospital bed. I slowly turned my body to see that I was face to face with someone I used to love. I used to love more than anything in the world. It was _of course_ , the one fucking person I **_didn't_** want to see right now.

Dan.

I saw his face, and I couldn't help but stop crying. I hated him, yet ~~I loved him~~. He saw my face and I could physically see him cringe. I didn't want him to talk. I didn't want him to apologize to me because it was unforgivable and he knows it.

"Phil..." He started, but I stopped him.

"No, don't. How dare you, come into my hospital room after you beat the living hell out of me?" I said. He just slumped back into his chair and lowered his head in shame. "I-I need you to leave." I said, and he just looked at me, with pain laying all over his face. His body shifted in an uncomfortable way and his mouth opened and closed a solid four times before he managed to cough some words up.

"But, I don't want too."

"Okay, but, I want you too."

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

_~~Lord, show me how to say no to this. I don't know how to say no to this~~ _

"I don't want to Phil. I came to apologize, please. Hear me out." Dan said, a frown playing on his face, but I couldn't deal with all this at this moment.

"Dan, I _want_ you to go, what can't you understand about that?" I semi shouted at him. He just looked at me wide eyed.

"Please, give me two minutes."

"No."

"Please, I beg of you."

"No. You've already said enough." I could hear Dan sigh and I made eye contact with him. I could see a single tear fall from his eye.

"Phil, one minute then?" I sighed, he doesn't understand.

"The damage has been done. There is not a way of turning back time. Don't you understand? You've hurt me in ways that are unimaginable. You've caused me to hurt myself, and people I love. You ruined me Dan. You fucked up my entire life, and now you care? Why do you care? Why are you even here dammit? If I'm just a low life, emo faggot like you've said I was ever since I came out to you, than why the fuck do you care now?" I could physically see Dan's body tense up, and he started to fiddle his thumbs in an act of thinking about what to say. I say him open his mouth a couple times before he said anything.

"Phil.."

"Go. Go now." I said sternly. He stopped fighting with me. He sighed and got up slowly, giving me a salute and walking out of the door, shutting it gently behind him.

I lay my head against the hospital bed pillows and just stare at the ceiling. I wish I had my ceiling stars here and a pitch black room so I could look at the stars and daydream. That's the thing though, I don't have those things. Why don't I have those things? Because I'm in a fucking hospital bed. A white ass room, with no TV, no magazines, my phone seems to have gone missing, no homework, no entertainment of any sorts. I'm bored out of my mind. I've seen two people since I've been awake, a doctor and Dan.

Why hasn't my parents or brother came in yet? Do they know I'm awake? Do they know who was just in here even though I told the doctor I wasn't interested in seeing him? For fucks sake, do they know anything? I slowly look around the room for a nurse call button. I wanted the light in this room off, but seeing as I'm connected to every machine on the planet, I can't get up. I slowly started grabbing things just lying around the bed and my hand his a needle.

"What the fuck!?" I shout, a little too loudly. Catching the attention of a doctor that is in the hallway. He busts through the door and looks at me with fear in his eyes.

"Are you okay, sir?" He asks.

"Yes, quite fine thanks, but while you're standing there. Can you please shut the light off?" I ask quite nicely and he looks at me puzzled but decides it's probably for the best to follow my wishes.

"You sure you're fine sir?" He asks, once more. Shutting the light off and walking towards the door.

"Yes, thank you." I said. He shuts off the lights and shuts the door. I relax into the darkness. Maybe I can finally get some sleep. Or so I thought. Then my mind wandered to a memory that happened in the seventh grade.

_It was a foggy Friday morning. Today was the day. The day I was going to tell my best friend my biggest secret. I was gay._

_I'm going to his house tonight, I have everything planned out. We'll be chilling, doing what bros do and then I'll tell him casually. I wake up, putting on my favorite Naruto top, blue jeans, and shoes and head out of the front door towards my middle school. I tend to walk with a little bit of pep, so it just looks like I'm overall excited majority of the time. Which isn't true, yet I am generally a very happy person, I have my moments._

_I walk into the building with a smile plastered on my face. I received a greeting from the front desk lady and I smiled at her and continued walking until I got to my locker. Only after opening my locker I noticed Dan was next to me, and grin plastered on his face. He grabbed my arm and started jumping up and down in excitement._

_"What it is Dan? Could you calm down?" I said while laughing at his movements. He just kept doing it and as he did it I struggling to get my bad in my locker._

_"No, I'm too excited about tonight! What are we going to do all night?" He asked, and I just laughed._

_"I don't know it's your house you noob."_

_"Oh, right." He said and stopped jumping. I looked at him and he laughed. I started to get my books and pencils out of my bag and started to proceed to walk to my first hour class. Geometry. I hated math. It also happened to be the class where I sat alone, as I wasn't really friends with anyone in here. I sat throughout the day doing geometry, biology, German, English, drama, and choir. When the end of the day came I started to get nervous knowing that it was closer and closer to coming out._

_I said in choir, singing loudly for the whole world to hear. I watched the choir director conducting us and teaching us our parts. Then the final bell rang. The bell that states schools out. As the rest of the class rushed to leave the classroom, I lagged behind, walking slower and getting shoved on the way. I see my locker in the distance and see Dan standing there waiting for me._

_"Hurry up loser! We'll miss the bus!" He says and I figure I better rush to get my stuff out of my locker so we don't miss the bus. He starts jumping again. I can't help but laugh._

_"Calm down!" I laugh and he does. He actually does, but in the meantime of his chilling he rushes me by pulling on my arms and slamming my locker shut._

_"Come on!" He says and pulls me and I sling my book bag over my shoulder, laughing at him. The bus ride is nothing excited just a few random conversations with other friends of mine that also ride Dan's bus, oh you know the usual things like "Why are you riding?" or "Ayy Philly! What's up brother?" and honestly I didn't care to respond too much. I was too nervous to respond and when the bus stopped at Dan's stopped I found it difficult to get up out of the seat._

_"Phil, you gotta get up."  I heard Dan say, and I stood up reluctantly, grabbing my bag and heading towards the front of the bus. We stepped off the bus and Dan directed me into his house, upstairs and into his bedroom. Turning on music in the meantime. I sigh and set my bag on his bed and he just smiles at me. I figure he wants to watch a movie because right when he turns on the music, he shuts it off and starts searching through his discs._

_"Hey, Dan can I tell you something?" This is it. I've got to do it now. Now or never. I feel my body tense as he sits next to me on the bed. I have to tell him. Don't regret this decision Phil. Not now._

_"Sure." He said, smiling._

_"I'm um.. gay." I said, looking down at my hands. I was fiddling with my thumbs and tapping my foot on the floor out of nervousness and then I heard Dan laugh._

_"That's funny man!" I looked at him, seriousness lying over my face. He stopped laughing almost immediately. "Wait, you're serious? You seriously like guys?" He asked. I sighed and nodded._

_"Yeah..I do." I admitted._

_"I need you to go. You gotta leave. Now." Dan said, standing up in the process._

_"But, Da-"_

_"NOW." He said practically pushing me out of the door. I cried as I left his house. The only thing I didn't expect was him telling every fucking body that Phil Lester was a faggot._

The flashback ends. Now here I am.

Phil Lester, the faggot that is laying in a hospital bed with broken ribs all because of Dan Howell. The guy who was supposed to support me and be there for be through everything. But no, he changed. He turned into a living version of hell that was unescapable. He ruined the Phil Lester everyone used to love.

I'm Phil Lester. The boy that no one wants.


	11. Chapter 11

The hospital lights hurt my eyes to an extent. How incredibly painful. They seemed to be brighter than the sun. Shining over me as I lie on this bed wishing for my life to end. When will the sun meet the moon? When will the worlds collide to create something great? All I can do while I sit in here in silence is think.

My life at home is great. I have a caring set of parents and a brother that would do anything to protect me while he can. Sometimes he is too weak to do so. He has an illness. Not a deadly one, but he gets sick quite often and can't move around much during those times. My mom is super caring. Always asking if I'm eating enough, keeping my hygiene up, having a good school life. I always answered with yes, even though it wasn't the truth. I can't let my mother know how I'm truly struggling. Barely eating. School is shit. My hygiene is great though, so that's a plus. My dad, well, you can say he's different. He is caring of course, when he remembers to be. He has his days and moments. He's usually a super sweet guy but you know, everyone has temper tantrums. He's are just a bit extreme.

I remember one time he screamed right in my face, while my brother just stood in the background and watched. Traumatizing day. I was just coming back from a hard day at school and I stepped into the house and accidently slammed the door behind me and my dad seemed to be a little tipsy. He came up to me and shouted in my face asking me why I had slammed the door behind me. He shoved my shoulder and I fell backwards. I didn't loose my balance though. I just looked at him with such fear in my eyes and walked quickly away from him after his attention was drawn to a presidential news show about Trump.

School didn't get bad until I told Dan I was gay. Ha, school used to be great. I used to walk the halls, smiling brightly. Everyone would say Hi to me and would love being around me. Teachers would greet me with smiles on their faces and I used to get great grades. I had a 4.0 GPA. Then I told Dan. Biggest mistake I've ever made in my entire life. I remember it like it was yesterday, and all of the sudden the memories are flying back into my mind. The exact moment I told him, his reaction. The moment he left my life for good.

I was shaking. My blood was boiling. I was on fire. I was hot. I was overheating. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack. It seemed that everything around me was closing and the walls around me were tightening. I could feel my body shaking and the tears flowing out of my eyes and I couldn't breathe anymore. It felt as though my throat was closed and I couldn't inhale any air. All the air in the world, and my lungs are receiving none of it. I quickly start to reach for the call nurse button panel and push all the buttons on it.

All of a sudden a voice came over on the intercom in my room.

"Mr Lester are you okay?" A nice sounding lady said.

"N-n-no!" I shouted and I heard the intercom click off and nearly seconds later a nurse was rushing into the room and she saw the state I was in and rushed by my side to check all my vitals. I kept shaking but the tears had stopped.

"Is he okay!?" I heard my mother yell. When did she get here?

"He's fine! He just needs space please go!" The nurse shouted at my mother. "Mr Lester please, deep breathes. In. Out." The nurse said trying to calm me down. I tried to follow her instructions as good as I could but it wasn't easy with the constant shaking. "In. Out." She kept saying, in out. The instructions on how to breathe but little did she know that I wanted to stop breathing. I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to breathe. I wanted to stop breathing. "In. Out."

It took the nurse about ten minutes of saying in out to make me calm down. The shaking lessened, but I was still very jittery. After the nurse left she gave my mother the clear to come back into the room. She rushed in quickly by my side and just held onto my hand. I winced at the contact. I hissed, the pain was unbearable but surely she didn't know and was too into the heat of the moment to really care.

"Oh, Phil. How are you doing?" She asked, looking at me with wide eyes, hoping that I was doing well. I wasn't about to tell her I was feeling like complete shit.

"I'm good mum," I said. "Do you know when I can get released?" She smiled and nodded.

"They are actually releasing you today in about thirty minutes." She said with a big smile on her face, and I smiled in return. Thank god, finally freedom from this bright hospital room. Being surrounded in complete white is a little draining you know?

The doctor walked into the room, handing my mother the release papers. She signed them and then we were on our way home. Getting shoved into a car was never fun, especially in my condition, but I'd rather go home then be stuck in the white room of hell. I saw the house in the distance and as we pulled up to the driveway there was a bouquet of flowers sitting on the front door. My mom let me out of car and I walked up to the door as she grabbed the bags out of the car, insisting that she didn't want my help.

I walked up to the flowers and grabbed the note that sat on top of them.

_Hear me out._

"Hey mom, do you want some flowers?" I ask as she approached my side. She just looked at me with confusion on her face.

"Who are they from son?" She asked, her brows burrowed.

"That's not important. I don't want them, do you?"

"Sure." I took the bags from my mother's hands and handed her the flower bouquet. She smelt the flowers and walked inside the house. I expected to see my brother and dad waiting for me but I was greeted to an empty house. I set my mother's bags down on the couch and watched as she pranced into the kitchen to set down the flowers.

"You have school tomorrow Phil, better get some rest." My mom brought school back to my attention. Shit.

"Hey, do you know where my phone is?" I ask her, I haven't seen my phone since I was admitted into the hospital.

"In my bag hun." She directed me to which bag it was in and handed me the phone. I smiled at her, said a thanks and walked upstairs into my bedroom. I smile at the smell that filled the air. My fireside candle. The lovely smell of roasting marshmallows. I'm going to assume my mother or brother burnt it while I was gone to make it seem like I didn't go anywhere, and honestly. That warmed my heart.

I plopped down on my bed and inhaled deeply. I looked around the room, my desk filled with papers. Homework that never got done because I was in the hospital. Shit. I then point my attention to my wall décor. The anime posters, the Muse poster, Buffy the Vampire Slayer posters, and a calendar. My bookshelf full of series that I felt quite passionate about. My favorite author's books sat upon the shelf. Stephen King books. I smiled and welcomed myself back.

I heard my phone start to vibrate nearly seconds after I turned it on. I picked it up and looked at the screen puzzled.

_13 texts from :DAN_

_2 MISSED CALLS_

_2 NEW VOICEMAILS_

I open the texts last. I listen carefully to the voicemails.

_Hi Phil. It's Evan. I heard you got admitted to the hospital or something? I was just calling to see if you were doing good brother. Call me when you can, love you bro._

Voicemail deleted. On to the next one.

_Phil please talk to me, please let me say something. I need you to hear me out. Call me back, I desperately need to talk to you. I feel terribly. Please call me, please text me, please do something. I need to talk to you. Call me back at this number if you can...It's Dan, by the way..Please, call."_

I sigh and delete the message. I know it's a little pathetic to still have Dan's number saved in my phone, but in the situation it's a good thing. I read through the texts, one by one. Most of them saying he was sorry and hear him out, but then one came to my attention.

_God, I really fucked up. I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to out you. I never meant to fuck up our friendship. I was scared. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't intend on being the reason you're in the fucking hospital either. You harm yourself because of me. Christ, I fucked up hard._

I let some tears roll down my face, I type out a reply.

_You never meant to let it happen? You're the one who told everyone. You're the one who kicked me out of your house. Do you realize how much courage it takes to come out to someone? It takes all the courage in your entire body. I told you because we were best friends. I thought I could trust you. I thought wrong. You go off the next day and tell the entire school that Phil Lester is a faggot. You don't know what this feels like. This life I'm living isn't a good one. It's hell, and it's because I decided to come out to you. Biggest mistake of my life, and I can't take it back. Phil Lester, the boy that used to be happy. Used to be. Who are you?_

I press send, and get a reply seconds later.

_I'm Dan Howell. The boy who loves someone who he shouldn't. The boy who royally fucked someone's life up completely. The boy who killed someone's spirit. The boy who regrets everything he's done. The boy who would give up his life so you could have a better one. The boy who is sorry. The boy who will wait._

I feel a river flowing down my face as I read this text. Wait for what?

I put my phone down and let it sit on the bedside table and I snuggle into my bed sheets. The text message keeps replaying in my mind as I fall fast asleep with Dan on my mind.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if sometimes I go from present tense to past tense, or past tense to present tense. It happens a lot with me and even my English teachers have to tell me about it sometimes. I apologize in advance.

I woke up to the bright sun shining through my windows, the birds chirping happily outside. The alarm clock was going off on my phone, telling me that it was time to wake up. I sighed, grabbing my phone and looking at the time.

6:15 AM

Plenty of time to get ready, eat breakfast, and walk to school instead of taking the deathly bus. I slowly give myself the encouragement to get out of bed and walk towards the door in order to go to the bathroom and do my hair. I plug in my hair straightener and wait for it to heat up. As I wait for it to get hot and steamy I look at myself in the mirror. The ugly image of me standing in a completely white bathroom. My cut up arms. The cuts that go all the way up to my shoulders. The scars, and the bright red new wounds that just keep staring at me in shame.

_You did that to yourself Phil. You deserve every single one of them too._

The hair straightener beeped and I look at my body once more before grimacing and starting to do my hair. Once my hair is completely straight and every single trace of wavy-ness is gone I go back into my room to get dressed for the first day back at school since I've been in the hospital. I step into my room and shut the door behind me and start looking through my wardrobe for an outfit. I settle on a pair of black skinny jeans and a My Chemical Romance shirt. Over the shirt I put on my favorite Aeropostal sweatshirt. I look at myself in the mirror I have in my bedroom. I smile at my outfit. I actually look quite nice, for the first time in forever. I actually put effort into my appearance today, even if it doesn't seem like that much. Its more than what I usually do. I grab my book bag, phone, and head out of my room and down the stairs to be greeted by my mom.

"Good morning!" She said, with a bright smile on her face. "How are you doing? Would you like pancakes quickly before you leave?"

"Morning mum, I'm doing good. and yes to the pancakes." I said, smiling back at her. She just simply handed me a plate full of pancakes and waddled her way into the kitchen and came back out with a bottle of syrup. "Thanks." I said, she smiled at me and sat down at the table and just started to read a book that she had placed next to her. I started to eat my pancakes and after about five bites my phone vibrated on the table. A text message notification showed up.

_TEXT FROM EVAN_

_Hey bro, you coming to school today? I'm outside your house._

I grabbed my phone and typed out a reply.

_Hey! Yeah. I'll be out in a minute._

I stood up quickly, being unable to finish my breakfast.

"Bye mum, I'll see you after school." She looked up from her book, waved goodbye to me and I headed outside to find Evan sitting in his car waiting for me to get in. I started to walk towards his car and he honked his horn loudly, startling me.

"Hurry up!" He shouts between laughs. I quickly run up to his car and get in on the passenger side and just look him dead in the eyes.

"You're a prick." I say to him and he just laughs and we pull out of my driveway and start driving in the direction of the high school. Evan turns to me and asks if I'd like to listen to music and he starts playing music from _Hamilton the Musical_. The particular song playing is Burn and it absolutely makes my heart turn to shreds. The emotion of Eliza and everything that happens in act two is overall heart breaking. I turn to see Evan swaying to the music and I just laugh and he turns down the music.

"What? It's an emotional song!"

"You're a loser Evan."

"I thought I was a prick?"

"You're many things, clearly." I said, and then all of a sudden the car is parked at the high school. I sigh as I unbuckled from the seat and get out of the car. Evan smiles at me and says everything is going to be okay. We start to walk towards the building and the principal is outside to greet students as they approach the school.

"Good morning Phil, morning Evan." She said to us and we just nod our heads at her instead of responding verbally and walk into the building. The smell of textbooks filled the air. Evan and I parted away as I had to go to my locker. I start to fidget with the lock and after about four tries I got it to open. When it opened a pile of notes landed on the floor. I opened one of them and it said 'LOSER' I just frowned and threw all of the notes into the nearest garbage can. I rush back to my locker and grab my textbook needed for my first class and as I shut my locker Troye shows up behind me.

"Hey Phil." He said to me, and I just looked up at him. He suddenly put his hand on arm and kissed my neck. I flinch away from him with a puzzled look on my face. "Oh, come on Phil, you know you've wanted this forever." He says and lays gentle kisses over my neck.

"N-no I haven't." I say and I tilt my head and give him more access. I feel him smirk on my neck and he keeps giving more kisses.

"Oh, yes you have." He says and lays one more kiss before pulling away from my neck and walking away. I look at him shocked and walk quickly away from my locker. I make my way to my first class and find a seat all the way in the back of the classroom. As the classroom starts filling up I hear the bell ring, signaling that it was time for school to start. The teacher claps her hands.

"Alright! We are starting a new project today! We will be reading a Shakespeare play, Comedy of Errors! I have set up a partner for you to each work with!" She announces and I cringe at the word partners. I hate working with partners. She starts reading off her list of partners.

"Evan and Zoe." I smile at that, Evan has liked Zoe for awhile. "PJ and Chris. Dan and Phil." Then all of a sudden my heart stops. My breathing becomes less. My vision is blurred. Dan and Phil. Dan. She put Dan as my partner.

"Move next to your partners please!" I'm frozen. It feels as though the world has stopped around me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.  I let my eyes wander around the room until I saw Dan get up to sit next to me. I was still froze. No words escaping my lips and no movement. I sat completely still. I heard voices around me and I heard feet shuffling. Yet I couldn't bring myself to even move a finger.

"Get to work class!" Dan poked me. I slowly turned to him, not a single word coming out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry Phil, we can request new partners if you want." and just like that I was broken from my trance.

"No, let's just get this over with." I say and he just looks at me and shrugs.

"I thought you hated me." I quickly turn to him.

"Oh what? Hate the guy who completely ruined my life? Oh how could I hate him?" I said in a highly sarcastic tone and Dan just frowned.

"I told you I'm sorry." He said, frowning. I just look at him with fiery in my eyes.

"Sometimes sorry isn't enough. You ruined my life, Dan. When will you understand that?" I said standing up. I quickly gathered all of my things and looked back down at him. "I've got to go." He grabbed my wrist.

"Phil, I'm sorry please wait!" I wiggled my wrist out of his grip and quickly leave the classroom, hearing the door slam behind me. I rushed to the bathroom and just slowly slid myself down the wall and sat on the bathroom floor. I heard footsteps coming into the bathroom and I attempted to get up quickly but it only resulted in me tripping over my own feet and falling back down again. My elbow connected with the bathroom tiles.

"Ow, shit!" I shout and hold my elbow while sliding myself up against the bathroom wall.

"You okay...?" I sigh at the voice.

"Yes, Dan. I'm fine. What do you want?" I asked with irritation in my voice. He starts to walk closer to me and he kneels in front of me.

"I just wish you would hear me out."

"Two minutes." I said to him, and I swear I saw his face light up.

"What?!" He asked, excitement roaring in his voice.

"Two minutes, I'll hear you out for two minutes."

"Okay wow um. I guess when you told me I got scared. I thought you were going to start falling in love with me and I was raised in the direction of its wrong to be interested in boys if you were a boy and I guess you can say I was a little grossed out at the time but I was twelve. I was young and dumb and the more I grew up I realized how wrong it was for me to just tell everyone your sexuality when that wasn't my thing to tell. I started to see you around school and bully you and I made your life a living hell. I've regretted everything I've ever done ever since seventh grade. I fucked everything up. Everything I did was my fault. Then over the past two years I fell in love with someone I wasn't supposed to fall in love with. I was never meant to fall in love with...a guy. But I did, and I am in love with him still, but he doesn't like me. Overall I'm sorry Phil, if I could give you my life, I would. I regret everything." I just looked at him and he looked back at me. His caramel eyes looking straight into my ocean eyes. I broke away my eyes from his and just got up from the floor. He looked at me while I stood up and sighed.

"--Who do you love?" A voice reigned in the bathroom. It was Tyler.

Dan looked at him, shock on his face. He looked Tyler dead in the eyes.

"Lester turning you gay Howell?" Tyler's voice said, and Dan couldn't say anything, so I did.

"No, now If you'd excuse me, I'd like to leave." I said trying to push Tyler out of my way but it didn't work.

"So what if he is?" Dan's voice spoke up and I slowly turned around to look at him. I raised my eyebrows at him and he just lowered his head.

"What?" I whispered.

"So what if he is?" Dan shouted and Tyler just looked at him appalled.

"No way, Howell's a faggot!" Tyler shouted and Dan just frowned. Tyler ran into the hallway and I stood in the bathroom staring at Dan with wide eyes.

"Again, I'm sorry P-Phil." Dan said and he ran out of the bathroom lightly bumping into me on his way out I just watched as he disappeared into the distance of the hallway and I was left to wonder what exactly Dan was on about. Did he love me? Am I the one he isn't supposed to love? What the hell is going on? Do I love him? Can I ever forgive him? I think about all of this and then I think about a song from Hamilton, some of the lyrics replaying in my mind.

_Love doesn't discriminate. Between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes. but we keep loving anyways. We laugh and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes._

Love doesn't discriminate.


	13. Chapter 13

The Hamilton lyrics keep replaying in my mind as I stand completely frozen in the disgusting public school bathroom.

_Love doesn't discriminate, between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes and it takes, but we keep loving anyways. We laugh and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes._

You know, I never thought I'd be standing in the bathroom wondering if my ex-best friend was in love with me.  It's never something I've thought about particularly. He's hated me for years. It's been four years since we've even had a decent conversation and then here comes Dan rolling in with the hole hear me out stuff. Saying he loves someone he isn't supposed to love. A guy. Someone who he wasn't supposed to love. I can't help but think that somebody is me. The someone that he'll wait for. Hamilton lyrics play in my head again.

_We laugh and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes and if there's a reason I'm by her side when so many have tried, then I'm willing to wait for it._

Maybe he's waiting for it. Waiting for me. 

"Hey Philly." Troye's voice echoed. I stand completely frozen in thought as he just snapped his fingers in front of my face.

"You alright?" He asks me, no response is granted. I just stare at him blankly. I can't bring myself to speak any words. It's like I've somehow lost the English vocabulary and it's not anything I can comprehend anymore. Today's been all too much. I'm overwhelmed.

"Phiiiiil?" He says, continuing to snap in front of my eyes. I just keep staring and slowly but surely I start to back away and he grabs my wrist, causing me to flinch in response. I wince at the pressure on my wounds, yet still grant Troye no words.

"Phil? Say something." I say nothing, all I do is wiggle my wrist out of his grip and continuing backing up.

"Why are you backing away from me?" Troye says, trying to reach out for my wrist again but I finally find my voice.

"Don't touch me Troye." I say sternly, and he just stares at me dumbfounded. He steps back, and then I start to see the anger flood in his eyes. His face reddens and I swear you could see the fire and heat coming from his body. You could feel the amount of heat in the bathroom. He was pissed.

"Excuse you? How dare you talk to me like that, you bitch." He says, coming closer to me and in a split second he grabs my arm and twists it so it ends up behind my back and I flinch and cry out. As soon as he hears my voice raise in volume he clamps his hand over my mouth in order to shush me. I thrash under his touch and the amount of strength he has is actually unbelievable.

"I'll teach you how to talk to me you bitch. One day." Troye whispers in my ear, sending unpleasant shivers down my spine. I continue to thrash under his grip and he just laughs and I swear I could feel the smirk on his face. "Gunna stop screaming babe?" He asks me, in a sensual voice. I nod under his grip and he slowly removes his hand from my mouth. The tears start flowing from my eyes and he just laughs.

"Whores get what they get don't they?" He says, placing a kiss to my neck.

"I'm not a w-whore." I say, weakly.

"Sure you aren't. Now, fuck off." He says, pushing me out of his touch and into the bathroom wall. I grunt in pain and stumble out of the bathroom. Holy shit. It's not even third period and I've already been harassed today, what else could happen.

"Phil Lester to the principals office please!" The intercom calls. Well, shit. I guess that could happen. I start to make my way to the main office, cringing as I see Tyler sitting outside, smirking. He pats the spot next to him and I just lower my head in disagreement. There was not a way in hell that I'd sit next to Tyler freely. I quickly decided that it would be a better idea if I just stood up and didn't worry about the raging pains shooting through my legs and arms. The principal's door quickly flies open and Pj Liguori walks out. He just gives me a little wave, and I stare at him puzzled.

"What are you doing Pj?" I ask him as he approaches me. He places his hand on my arm as a form of support.

"Something for your own good. I'm sorry." He says and walks away. The assistant principal waves me into the office with Tyler following behind me. I cringe as I hear the door click shut behind me. I'm instructed to take a seat next to Tyler but I only nod my head no.

"Please, take a seat next to Tyler, Phil." Mrs Glockos says, and I nod my head no, once more. She just sighs. "Stand if you wish. I guess." She says, defeated and figures it's probably not a great time to try to get me to do something I'm not entirely comfortable with. Tyler just looks at me and smiles, as though he has never said anything bad to me before in my entire life. He's trying to act like he knows me well or like we're friends. Funny.

"What are we here f-for?" I ask, shyly. I didn't want to be here, today has been all too much.

"Well, as you may have seen Mr Ligouri exiting the room as you all entered, the reason behind that was because he was worried about the things that seemed to be going on between you and Tyler. The conflicts that have been arising. He's told us about the bullying, the kicking. He brought it too our attention that it was Tyler's fault you were in the hospital." Mrs Glockos explains to us, and I just lower my head.

"What!? I wasn't the one to blame! I am not the only one to blame anyways! Dan Howell was involved! Connor was! Louise!" Tyler shouts at the principal and all she does is look at me for confirmation.

"He's not the only one to blame." I say, I can't lie. If I lie, it'll come back and bite me in the ass. Tyler just looks up at me, and it almost feels like a thank you. Mrs Glockos sighs and just writes things down on her notepad.

"Here's what we can do. We can give you all one month detentions plus community service. You admitted a student into the hospital. Every action has a consequence. As for you Phil, we want you to stay alert as much as you can and-" She says, but I interrupt her.

"You think I don't try to stay alert? It's not really easy when Tyler brings his entire group of rude friends to come and beat me up! I don't have eyes in the back of my head, I can't watch out for attacks from every angle, no matter how much I wish I could, I can't. The attacks come from everywhere, usually unexpected. It's not as easy as you think it is. You can't just say something and expect it to happen. Watch, Tyler will come out of detention ready to slit my throat out of anger because I got him busted. When it wasn't even me." I say, sighing and moving towards the door, as I can't deal with this anymore.

"Where are you going Phil?" Mrs Glockos asks me. I turn around and look her dead in the eyes.

"I'm leaving hell, see you some other time." I say, turning the doorknob, walking out of the office, and slamming the door behind me. As I hear the door slam I just run. I run to my locker and quickly grab my cell phone. On my way out I run into Troye, not even stopping to notice that I completely knocked him over and he is laying on the ground, wincing in pain. I just keep running until I'm no longer in the school and running down the block towards my house.

I run up to my house, and open the door. No cars in the driveway means no one is home. I run upstairs into my bedroom and break down. Everything that has happened today is all overwhelming. I'm screaming internally and laying face down in a pillow probably isn't helping my situation right now. I reach in my pocket and pull out my cell phone and turn it on slowly while humming music from Hamilton to myself.  _ ~~Death~~ Love doesn't discriminate._

I wish I could listen forever, the beautiful writing of Lin-Manuel Miranda. I am broken from my trance because of the sound of my phone notifications going off.

_2 TEXTS FROM :DAN_

_hey phil im sorry about today I don't expect you to forgive me or anything but I just wanted you to know how I felt you know? im sorry about everything I've put you through and trust me I know im going to hell for it._

Alright, okay. I'm okay.

_Allow me to re-introduce myself to you. I'm Dan Howell, the 17 year old who fucked someone's life up past the point of no return. I can't make anything better for you and I wish I could. I wish I could bring happiness to you in whatever way possible. I've barely changed my hobbies and interests since we were close. and honestly, saying "were" to describe our closeness breaks my heart. if I could trade lives with you I would just so you wouldn't have to suffer. god phil. im so sorry. for everything. So yeah, I'm Dan Howell. The boy willing to wait. The boy who loves someone who would never love him. The boy who broke someone. You?_

Okay, no I'm not okay. I promise. Maybe one reply won't hurt?

_I'm Phil Lester. The boy who suffers daily. The boy who forgives but never forgets. The boy who would give up this life in an instant. The boy whose alone. Nice to meet you._

I frown at the text and hit send getting a reply seconds later.

_Forgives but never forgets huh?_

I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and I could feel my sobs getting caught in my throat. I reply with a simple two words.

_Never forgets._


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put a lot of Hamilton references in this so, if you haven't listened to the Hamilton album, I recommend it! Here we go, chapter 14!

I never thought a single conversation would ruin my whole life. All I did was tell him I was gay and then he kicked me out of his life. Literally. I finally got up the courage to tell him I was gay and he was disgusted by me. Kicked me out of his life completely. I don't know if he understands how big of a deal that really is. It takes months, maybe years for people to gain the courage to tell someone they are gay, bi, lesbian, trans, etc. and he just goes and kicks me out of his life. At the time I told him I was gay he told me to never talk to him again, and honestly I promised myself that I wouldn't talk to him, but now he seems to want to talk to me. I mean, he kissed me. He kissed me out of the blue, and said he loved someone he wasn't supposed to love. That has to be me. It's got to be.

"Hey Phil, are you okay?" My brother asks me, knocking on my bedroom door lightly.

"Yeah Martyn, I'm okay thanks." I reply and he just smiles at me and walks away, turning on his heel. I keep overthinking everything and honestly it's the worst. I mean, yeah I'm okay right now so I technically didn't lie to Martyn but he just isn't someone I particularly prefer to open up too. He's not a very sentimental person.

"Phil! There's someone here to see you!" My mother shouts at me from downstairs. I sigh getting up, grabbing my phone in the meantime.

"Who is it?" I ask walking down the stairs and I see Dan standing in the house. I sigh and look down at my shoes.

"It's Dan." My mom says, walking away from the door after closing it. "Says you two have a project to be working on?" I sigh and just keep my head down. I look up at my mother quickly and see that she is awaiting for a response from me.

"Yeah, we do." I say and she nods her head and waddles her way into the kitchen. I quickly walk up to Dan and grab his wrist. "What the hell are you doing here?!" I whisper shout at him. He just looks at me for a few seconds.

"We have to talk, please. You can't avoid me forever." He says, forgiveness showing in his eyes.

"I managed to avoid you for a good four years, I can keep doing it Dan. No matter how difficult it is." I say to him, and he just looks at me with sadness in his eyes. I let go of his wrist and start to turn around to go back to my bedroom.

"Where are you going?" He asks, confused.

"We have a project to do, don't we?" I say and he just lets a small smile play on his lips. He nods his head and starts to follow me up to my bedroom. We enter the room and he just stands there in silence. I push him forwards and shut the door behind me. I quickly lock the door and start to move towards Dan. "So, what's the project?" I ask, and he seems to be stuck in some sort of trance.

"You like Muse?" He asks me, and I can't help but laugh.

"Yeah, Dan. You're the one who showed Muse to me. Man, you really have forgot everything that happened between us haven't you? God, you haven't changed." I say to him, sighed.

"Listen-"

"No. I don't think I want to listen Dan. I already heard you out, what more could there be to say, honestly?"

"I-I don't know. Let me think about it." He says to me, and I just roll my eyes and he still stands completely still in the middle of the room. I pull his wrist and sit him on the bed next to me and he just sighs as his body slumps down next to mine. I remove my hand from his wrist and place it on my knee. He looks up into my eyes and I can't help but get lost in his caramel ones.

"Let's just start the project okay Dan?" I say to him, and he looks away from me.

"Okay."

~~_**\----------------------------------------** _ ~~

After two hours of working on the project, I started to get hungry. I was writing the written part of the project while Dan was working on the poster for the Shakespeare play. I couldn't help but admire his work. He had a beautiful work ethic. Only stopping to talk to me a couple times to ask for my opinion. He has ugly penmanship but otherwise his attention to detail was beautiful. The amount of symmetry he had. He really had an eye for things.

"Hey, Dan, you hungry?" I ask him, a glimmer of hope in my eye because I'm starving and I was raised not to eat in front of other people without offering.

"Sure." He says, smiling at me. He stands up and follows me to the kitchen and we stand there shocked as we see my mom has already prepared snacks for us. She just hands me a plate full of pretzels and other good snacks.

"Thanks mum," I say smiling at her. "I really appreciate it." I say starting to turn away but she speaks up.

"Hey Dan, do you mind giving me and Phil a minute?" She asks him, smiling.

"Oh, uh sure." He says, and I turn to hand him the snack tray and he takes it in his hands and starts walking back upstairs.

"What mum?" I ask, confused.

"Are you and Dan friends again?" She asks, excitement in her voice. I sigh and look away from her. I could physically see the excitement drain from her body.

"I don't know mum, maybe? He's done a lot of shit to me." I say, and quickly cover my mouth realizing I swore. "Sorry." I say to her quickly and she just nods and walks away from me. I slowly make my way back upstairs to find Dan laying on the ground. I sigh and stand by his side.

"What are you doing?" I ask him, and he just shrugs his shoulders. "Daaan." I say to him, and he just stays completely still on the ground. I kick his side and he rolls over with tears in his eyes. I instantly regret kicking him and I kneel by his side. "What's wrong?"

He just sniffles and slowly sits up next to me. "How are you so kind? So nice, forgiving? I've never deserved to have someone like you in my life. I never deserved it. You're the human angel. You are literally one of the nicest, most caring people I've ever met. I don't know why you choose to let me actually be here with you right now?" He says, tears flowing down his face.

"Dan, stop please. It's fine."

"It's not fine. I fucked up your life. You are just to nice to say anything." He said, and that's when I got a bit angered.

"Too nice to say anything? I'm not too nice to say anything to you. You really want me to be honest with you Dan? Okay. You're a prick. You turned into a piece of shit that I honestly never wanted to talk to again. You told me not to talk to again, and I expected to never have to have a single conversation with you ever again, but here we are. Sitting in my bedroom on the floor. Conversating. I hate what you've turned in to. You turned into an attacker. Someone I'd never thought I'd see come out of you. You seriously had a way of fucking up my life. You knew that you fucked up my life yet you continued to attack me for four years. How does it feel? Not good I bet. Didn't feel too hot for me." I say, sighed as I finish.

"It feels awful. I just want to apologize, and I want to be your friend. My life has been such shit since we stopped being friends. My parents divorced. My dog died. I have fake friends, all of them. They are only there for the popularity. I don't want to be their friends. The only friend I actually want is you." He says, looking up and me. His tear stained cheeks shining and his eyes filled with sorrow.  I tear my face away from his gaze and let a single tear roll down my cheeks and I quickly wipe it away.

"I'm sincerely sorry Phil." He says grabbing my wrist as I wipe my tears.

"I know you are, but sometimes sorry isn't enough." I say to him, and he just grabbed my wrist and pulls me into a hug.

"I know.." He says, and as we embrace, I take a deep breath. The smell of him is amazing. He smells of oak wood, lavender, and candles. I smile as his scent gets pulled away from me and I look into his eyes and there I see hope, and ... love?

Before I knew what was going on Dan said three words.

"I love you." He says to me, and I look away from him flustered. Oh god. He does love me. Before I can even think again he grabs my neck carefully and I turn to face him. He grabs my chin and pulls me into a kiss. Out of instinct I kiss him back, smiling into it. I didn't expect this, but I didn't hate it either.

"Phil, how is the project comin-" I hear a voice say to me and then I break from the kiss to see my mother standing in the doorway shocked. She quickly runs away.

"Mum! Wait! I can explain!" I say, quickly running after her. Oh god, I have a lot of explaining to do.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SLIGHT SMUT NEAR THE END :)   
> alright its nearly 10pm here goes nothing! (Sorry if this chapter...lacks.)   
> ALSO BEFORE Y'ALL LOOK AT ME CONFUSED, I MADE MARYTN LIKE 10 IN THIS STORY WHILE PHIL IS 17   
> WARNING!! SOME THINGS SAID ABOUT GOD IN THIS   
> (warning y'all sensitive ones)

"Mum! Wait! I can explain!" I say quickly running after her, but after I see her bolt down the stairs and hear her bedroom door slam shut, I run back into my bedroom and approach Dan. I shake my head and just slump onto the bed.

"Phil," Dan says, placing his hand on my knee. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-" He starts to say but I stop him.

"Maybe you should go." I say, removing his hand from my knee. I hear him sigh sadness and I watch as he collects his school things and walks towards the door.

"I'll see you soon Phil." He says to me, walking out of the bedroom.

"See you." I call to him and I hear his footsteps disappear into the distance and I hear my front door click shut.

I lay down on my bed and sigh. My mother just caught my kissing my ex best friend. She literally found my lips on his lips and she ran away. I got caught. I got caught kissing someone who I never thought would talk to me again, and all of a sudden he comes back into my life and he loves me. I just keep seeing my mom's face every time I close my eyes. The complete and utter shock on her face. The way she ran away from the situation. She bolted down the stairs, slamming her bedroom door behind her. The sympathy on Dan's face. The hurt in mine. She ran from her own son.

"Hey Phil, what's wrong with mum? she's packing clothes?" Martyn says to me, peeking in my bedroom. I stand up in an instant, completely shocked. I lightly shove him out of the way and bolt downstairs. I turn around the hallway and see my mother packing a suitcase. I run into her room and she just stares at me, tears rising in her eyes.

"What are you doing?" I ask her, completely shock in my voice. You can hear my voice staggering. She keeps packing, quickly. "Mum! Stop!" I say grabbing at her arm and she thrashes her arm out of my grip. "What's wrong with you!?" I shout at her. That stopped her. Her son raising his voice at her. It stopped her completely.

"I think I need a few days away. I can't handle this." She says, slumping into the bed. "This is all too much. You just got out of the hospital because of him, and then I find you kissing him. I need to leave for a couple days." She says, a few tears slipping from her eyes.

"Mum, you can't just get up and leave." I say to her, and she just frowns. "I understand that this is all overwhelming mum, but you have a family you need to provide for. You can't just leave Martyn. You can't leave me. Dad. You can't just go." I say to her, and she nods. She just pushes the suitcase away and starts to stand up.

"Can you give me some space then?" She asks me, her voice shaken. I admit, I'm a little taken back from her question.

"Can I ask you something first?" I say, and she nods, reluctantly.

"Do you not support my sexuality, why'd you run?" I ask her and she sighs.

"Phil, this isn't the way god intended the world to be. Man was made for woman. Man wasn't made for man." She says and I simply stand up, and back away from her.

"I can't believe you'd say something like that. I thought you were supportive of everything I did. Of everything I was, yet here you are. God didn't intend the world to be this way? Really mum?" I say to her, and she just looks down. I chuckle a little bit and she just asks me to leave once more, this time I comply with her requests and start heading up the stairs to my bedroom.

"So, is mum okay?" Martyn asks me, hope in his eyes. I look at him with tears stinging in my eyes. He just keeps looking up at me and I smile a small smile at him.

"Yeah she's fine, can you give me some time alone buddy, please?" I ask, and he nods and stands up shutting the bedroom door behind him.

I look up at the ceiling while I feel a few tears run down my face. My mother has rejected who I am as a person. She's completely shut me out. It may not seem like it, but watch I'll go downstairs tomorrow, ready for school and she won't even look at me. I've seen these things happen in movies before and that's what happens. Not a single word said between anyone. I continue to stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours when I hear my phone vibrate.

_NEW TEXT FROM :DAN_

_hey phil are u ok?_

I frown at the phone. I want to be able to talk to him face to face, but I can't leave. I want to see him. I want to be around him. I feel like I need him with me, and in my moment of need he can't be there. I choose to ignore the text, and let the thoughts rolling through my mind consume me as I drift off into a painful sleep.

_________________________________________________________

I wake up in the morning to the feeling of rain hitting my face. I left the bedroom window open last night. I sigh and drag myself out of my warmth of my blanket cocoon and shut the window. I quickly grab my phone to check the time and see that it's 8:30 A.M. I'm late for school, great. Just great. At the same time I noticed the time I saw the fourteen other text messages all being from Dan. I smile slightly at the phone and start to look through the texts.

_r u ok?_

_pls be ok_

_phil_

_phiiiiiiiiiiiiilll_

_philll!!!_

_hellllo??_

_just tell me ur ok_

_and i'll stop_

_phil omg_

_answer me pls_

_man did I mess up everything again_

_sorry_

_damn it_

_I fucked it up didn't I_

I quickly set down my phone and started to rush to get ready for school. Which I was an hour late for. I started to rapidly search through my clothes and found a Panic! at the Disco t-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans, paired with a pair of black converse. I pick up my English project that Dan and I spent time working on and grab my book bag, cell phone and quickly run down the stairs. I stop at the end of the stairs to see my mother sitting on the couch, drinking her morning coffee. I walk up to her, my blood boiling.

"Why didn't you wake me up for school?" I shout at her, and she just looks up at me and sets down her coffee and continues watch her show. I huff and walk past her and she just sighs. I walk out of the front door, making sure to slam it behind me. I live around four blocks from the high school so I should be able to make it close to the ending of first period. I start to sprint down the street, trying my best not to break any part of the project and I run past a group of people and they just stare at me like I'm absolutely insane. A few cars drive by, honking at me as though it was meant to be an encouragement of some sort. I just rolled my eyes at every single honk I heard and the third honk came and I tripped. I literally tripped over my own foot. The project went flying. My jeans ripped at the knees and my elbows started to bleed.

"Fuck!" I shouted, and quickly stood up, limping. I sped walk to pick up the project and cringed as I saw that it wasn't in the best shape, nothing too terrible though. That's a plus, I guess. I winced in pain as I felt the blood starting to roll down my arms and I saw it starting to soak into my jeans.

I approach the school and wince in more pain as I hobble up the school steps and walk in the front door. The hallways completely empty and silent. A few papers lying on the floor in front of me advertising a school dance of some sort that peaked no one's interests. I allow the smell of this garbage school fill my nose. The smell of cigarette smoke, bad lunch meats, and sweat. I dry heave slightly disgusted by the scent.

I walk to my locker and put the project inside and grab my items needed for the rest of first period. I grab my textbook, my notebooks, and folders. I walk to the classroom and knock on the door. The teacher opens it with a welcome and glad you could make it. I just nod at her and start to make my way to my normal seat in the classroom and as I am walking back there I see Dan look up at me, worry in his eyes. I just slightly smile at him and look away, taking a seat in my desk. I listen closely as the teacher lectures about Shakespeare and then I feel my phone vibrate.

_go to the bathroom_

Dan really?

_why?_ I reply, getting a reply from him seconds later.

_we've got to talk i'll meet you in 5 mins just go_

I sigh and put my phone back into my pocket. I look around the classroom and just sigh. I raise my hand and the teacher calls on me.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I ask shyly.

"Hurry back." She says and continues with her lecture. I walk out of the classroom and make my way into the bathroom and just stand in there waiting for Dan to show up. I wince at the feeling coming from my knees and elbows and looked to see that the blood had dried all over the place. I turn on the faucet and start to clean my elbow and knee scrapes. Then someone walks into the bathroom, the only thing is that it's not Dan.

It's Troye.

"Aw, Philly baby, what's up?" He says, smirking while he walks closer to me. I just take a few steps back and he just keeps coming closer. I don't respond to his comment and soon he gets close enough that he body is pushed against mine and I can feel his breath on my face.

"What'd you need?" I ask him, and he just snuggles his face into my neck. I admit, my neck is a weak point for me, and when I feel his lips kiss my neck I moan a little bit, and he just chuckles.

"You like that baby?" He says to me, and I cringe at the word baby. I just place my hand on his chest as he continues to kiss my neck and then I hear someone walk in the bathroom.

"Troye, get off of him!" Dan shouts, and I slump out of Troye's touch and sink to the ground and Troye just chuckles and lets me go. Simple and easy. He just winks at Dan and walks out of the bathroom. Dan just quickly comes by my side and looks at me.

"What are we?" He asks, and I just look away.

"Friends?" I respond, questioning tone to my voice. He just looks up at me and frowns. "It's a start Dan." I say to him, and he just lets a small smile play on his lips. I grab his cheek, and make him look at me. "If it makes it feel better for you, we can be friends with benefits." I say and he smiles. He perks up and it's honestly so cute.

I pull his face closer to mine until our lips are touching and the connection is so real. Our lips moving together, fighting for dominance. I smile into the kiss and feel Dan's tongue touch my bottom lip asking me for access, which of course I grant. His tongue is fighting with mine and I've honestly never been happier. He breaks the kiss and just looks into my eyes and I pull him closer to me and he grabs my leg to put it over his as we sat on the floor, so I was practically sitting on his lap. I smile at him and dive my face into his neck and he moans.

I start to kiss his neck and suck at little bits and he speaks up.

"Phil, wait that's a weak spot for me please phil oh my god." he manages to says out in a breathy moan, and honestly it's so hot. I continue to suck on his neck until I pull away and see that I've left a mark on him. I poke the spot and say three simple words.

"You're mine now." He smiles and kisses me, and that's when I felt something.

I felt his dick, half hard on my thigh.

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry for being absent, for what? A month. Wow. I'm here now, and updates should HOPEFULLY happen once a week! :) x enjoy chapter 16 of Homophobia!

The feeling of another persons genital is not something that I quite thought I would feel today. I basically gasped as I felt it and Dan quickly backed off of me embarrassed. I saw him look away and I just laughed at him.

"It's okay Dan, we all get boners. Sorry for turning you on in school, but I must be going." I say to him and smirk at him. I see the fire raising in his face and he is a bit flustered. He just looks up and me longingly. My only response to him is a wink and me walking out of the bathroom. Slightly feeling bad for leaving him back there all hot and bother I thought about going back to help him but I decided that it was definitely too soon to even start thinking about giving him a blowjob.

I quickly look at the time and realize that it's about time for my fourth hour class. Chemistry. Possibly just the worst class to possibly take, it's literally the most frustrating class I have. It's stressful as hell. I walk into the classroom late and the teacher sends me a glare and I happily send her one back and she just rolls her eyes and continues to lecture the class about lab safety.

While barely listening to the teacher lecture about lab safety I can't help but imagine what Dan must be doing right now. He's probably sitting in the bathroom in a stall, stroking himself to the thought of me sucking him off. I softly chuckle to myself and it seems to disrupt the teachers oh so boring lecture.

"Mr. Lester, what seems to be so funny?" She says to me, in an angered tone. I roll my eyes at her before responding to her question.

"Just the fact that you think we need a lecture on lab safety, Miss." I say, smirking at her. She grunts and points her finger in the direction of the classroom door.

"Leave Mr Lester, I'll make sure your parents hear about this one. To the principals office." She says and I just get up and collect my things and leave the classroom, smiling and waving at her on my way out. She just huffs and continues to lecture the class about lab safety. Glad I'm out of there. I would definitely rather sit in the principal's office than in her boring ass class.

I was towards the principal's office but get stopped by someone on the way there. Seems I'm a very interesting person lately but It was someone I'd never think even knew I existed, Grace Helbig. She pulled on my arm and dragged me into the little janitor's closet with her. I just look at her with wide eyes and she just stares back for a minute before saying anything.

"Sorry, but have you seen Dan? I was supposed to be going on a date with him sometime later and he hasn't talked to me lately and since he seems _super_ interested in you lately, I was wondering if you have seen him today?" She asked, her eyes filled with hope. I just chuckled.

"You might find him in the men's room on the second floor. He might be bit occupied with himself though." I say to her with a slight laugh behind my voice. She looks at me slightly confused. I just chuckle a little more and reach for the doorknob, "Now, may I leave?" She just nods and walks out behind me. I see her turn in the direction of the stairs to the second floor and I just shake my head and laugh heading to the principle's office.

I hope she finds Dan in a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THAT IT'S SO SHORT. IT'S LATE AT NIGHT BUT I'LL BE BACK WITH A LONGER UPDATE SOON :D

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all like the chapters! Kudos encourage me to keep writing :)


End file.
